Do you ever just feel like you need to SCREAM OR YOU'RE GOING TO EXPLODE????!!
Do you ever have days where going through some form of mild torture would be a preferable alternative to getting out of bed?
Do you ever feel like crying but it will take too much effort?
Do you ever feel like if you have one more thing on your plate you will surely drop it along with the ten other balls you are juggling and all of the sudden your life will be one big, splattered, gross mess?
Do you ever feel like answering the question "How are you doing?" with "Horribly, actually. But did you really want to know?"
Do you ever feel alone even when you're surrounded by people... so many people?
Do you ever wish you could banish certain thoughts from your mind because they just WON'T GO AWAAAAYYY???
Do you ever just feel the need to write it all down, because you feel like it's going to ooze out of you one way or the other, and words are the only way you can rid your body, your mind, of the toxins that are infesting them?
I love you.
ReplyDeleteI imagine everyone goes through the same sort of drowning/trapped/crushed/lonely feelings all the time, but the emotions that manifest themselves in each individual are different. I imagine I can relate to you. Lets compare notes:
ReplyDelete-Me scream? No.... Cut myself, Yes.
-Most people would step back in reproach for reading about cutting myself, but the very next sentence you talk about torture! Torture has an eerie appeal only at certain points in life. It comes from the dreadful feeling that you have agency and at any moment you could choose to completely ransack everything in your life. Of course you don't want to do this, so you are forced to choose to continue on with everything that brings so much pain into your life. At least with torture you don't have a choice in the matter, the pain comes without the illusion of choice.
-No to crying out. Different response, Being naturally introverted, I am surprised when I get like this because I become sardonic... to the point of destroying relationships, because I stop caring, because caring takes effort.
-Yes I feel like I could drop my life and have it become a splattered response. You could choose to stop juggling at any time, not getting out of bed, getting fired, or any sort of things. But that doesn't have any more appeal so you are trapped. Shouldn't dwell on it too much though, because then you start playing out in your mine scenarios of living with the mess.
-I think that you SHOULD tell people exactly how you feel. You will be surprised at the effect. It really lets you know who your closest friends are... or at the very least what the people are really like. I find it quite liberating. Someone from the ward asked me that a couple of nights ago. I told him that "I hate my life".
-I am super alone. I hate being trapped by legions of beautiful girls and being single. Your situation might be more social and less romantic, I don't know, but I can relate to that as well. Many times I have gone more than a week without talking to anyone.
-Banishing thoughts is hard. Really Hard. Takes practice and prayer. Service has been the only thing that really works, but it is a short term remedy.
Glad you wrote it down. Hope you are feeling better. I would love to hang out with you Anna, but I always figure you are too busy.